CIA vs. FBI vs. LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI and the CIA are trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. They decide to release a rabbit into a forest for each of them to catch.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Next, the FBI enters the forest. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear that's yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A dispatcher gets a panicy 911 call from a hunter. "I'm in the woods and I've just found a body in the woods! He's covered in blood! What do I do?"
"OK," the dispatcher says, "first, make sure he is dead."
There is silence and then the dispatcher hears a gunshot. "OK," the caller says, "now what do I do?"
A driver is pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asks suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replies. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demands.
The driver gets out of the car and starts juggling the machetes -- first three, then four and finally seven at a time, putting on a dazzling show that amazes the officer.
At that moment, another car passes by. Seeing the show, the driver of that car does a double take and exclaims, "I gotta give up drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he's never around when you need him.