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Musician jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the best use for an oboe?
Lighting a bassoon on fire.

How can you stop a guitarist from playing?
Put sheet music in front of him.

What the difference between Kenny G and an AK47 assault rifle?
The AK47 only repeats 245 times.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer was on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to climb the ladder and the rest to complain about how high it is.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to change it and four to discuss how Dizzy Gillespie would have done it.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Why is a viola bigger than a violin?
It's not. The violinist's head is bigger.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. --Kin Hubbard

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him during a thunder storm.

How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock slows down.

How many drummers does it take to put in a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do you call a drummer who just lost one of his sticks?
A conductor.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The defendant

What's the last thing the drummer said to the band?
Hey guys, let's do one of my songs!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Why does Philip Glass spell his first name with only one "L"? Because he doesn't like to repeat himself.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What's the difference between a French Horn and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Playing tuba is a low blow.

Last modified 11/17/17; posted 8/26/2004; Original content. © 2017; 2004 John P. Nordin