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A man walks into a bar...

The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Two atoms walk out of a bar. "Oh dear, I've left my electrons back in the bar." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."

A man tried to pay for a drink with a $5 bill. The bartender says "you can't use that here." The man says "Why not?" The bartender says "because this is a singles bar."
-- Prairie Home Companion, Pretty Good Joke Book

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He lifts the dog up and swings him around over his head by the tail. The bartender says "Hey, man! What are you doing?" He says, "Oh, I'm just looking around."
-- Prairie Home Companion, Pretty Good Joke Book

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A definite integral walks and orders 10 shots of whiskey. "You sure about that, buddy?" "Yeah, I know my limits.”

A bar walks into a commutative algebraist.

A cosine wave walks into a bar, and orders a pint. The barman says “sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "Hey," the bartender says, "what's his name?" "Tiny," the man replys. "Why call him that?," the bartender says. "Because he's my newt."

[Heard on WPLJ radio - New York City- 4/21/97] A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice. The bartender says, "Oh that...that's the nuts -- they're complimentary."

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, "how can you prove it?" The man, says "come with me." They go inside the bar. The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but it's uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals."....The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him and askes, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?" Descartes replies "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

What happened when Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar? It was tense.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?” The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

A man walks into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar....The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can come in... but just don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender. "That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!" "I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"

A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.

A string walks into a pub and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the barman. "What? That's discrimination," says the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar and again attempts to order a drink. "Aren't you that string I just refused to serve?" asks the barman. "No. I'm a frayed knot."

A Number 12 walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. 'Sorry I can't serve you' states the barman. 'Why not' asks the number 12. 'You're under 18' replies the barman.

A mushroom walks into a bar and starts buying drinks for everyone. Big party, everyone is happy. Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, "your a fungi to have around." [Heard on Prairie Home Companion, April 17, 2004]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast." "You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11. "Well, what is it you have?" The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"

A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. "Hey," the policeman says, "your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?" "Well," the man says, "your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

Last modified 9/29/14; posted 2/12/2002; original content © 2014, 2002 John P. Nordin