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In praise of Rodney Dangerfield

Could anyone fire off more jokes in less time with more winners than him?

Note: He also has a line of jokes about ugly women and using 'gay' as a slur. We'll let those themes die off. "I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

 Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?

My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from the hotel.

My wife and I are bad at making love, very bad. Last time we got booed by a peeping Tom.

I tell ya with girls, I never have any luck. A belly-dancer told me I turned her stomach.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I tried Viagra-my tongue got hard.

My wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next week.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My doctor told me to walk 5 miles a day. After two weeks I called him up and said, "Doc, I'm 70 miles from home, what do I do?"

My doc is really busy. Last week he had six cases of VD. I mean, he's all right now.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I told my psychiatrist I had no self-esteem, I think I'm nothing. He said, 'don't worry about it, you not worth it.'

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

What a childhoot I had. My parents sent me to achild psychaitrist. The kid didn't help at all.

I never have any luck. My rich aunt died - in the will she claimed I owe her $30 bucks

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette.

I joined alcoholics anonymous. I still drink but under a different name.

I played the slots in Vegas. It came up three prunes.

Yesterday I woke up with a craving for nuts. So I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

I know how to make a girl say yes. I ask her 'am I bothering you?'

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Last modified 3/8/18; posted 10/8/12; original content. © 2018, 2012 John P. Nordin